My 2017 – To Reflect and To Reconcile

Yesterday was the last day of 2017. It being Sunday, my family attended mass at our local church. It was a celebration, for something to end means that something is yet to begin. My 2017 was definitely a roller coaster ride – one which gave me a lot of blackout and adrenaline rush at the same time.

I learned how to choose my battles wisely; to try to balance practicality and reality – that, for sure, I learned as I celebrated my first anniversary as a government employee. As a fresh graduate who mainly wants to serve, I was more idealistic than realistic. I was laughed at for initiating something and lost my cool few times, my ego was hurt and self-worth was questioned for every smirking face I’ve come across. Because of this, I learned how to loosen my grip of my ideals which seems to be one of my best decisions: to accept and address what is right in front of me, to start and strategize where I am and to be reminded to always choose what is best-suitable rather than what is perfectly-suitable. I’ve also improved in controlling my temper. I’ve stopped throwing things within my reach, and improved in composing myself – eyes closed and deep breaths.

I have travelled a lot; I managed myself better on my own, I learned which of my things are worth my limited baggage allowance, and I have drastically improved in dealing with other people through empathy and self-discipline, and most importantly, acceptance – of self and others. I cried less, but understood more.

I gave more meaning to my time. I was enrolled in an open university for my masters degree. I did not expect it to be difficult. I thought I had the upperhand because I have better time flexibility. I thought I could. Well… yes, I did. But I shouldn’t have underestimated this decision; for something which seems easy, the universe will always find its balance – and that I think is the essence of life.

I have made wiser decisions – from impulsive buying, posting rants on my social media platforms and accepting and unfollowing people to delaying this blog. I’m proud of the times I said to myself “not now”, “not worth your time”, “not imporant”, “who cares?” and “in time”.

Throughout this year, I was alive and well. But before I welcome 2018 the best I could, I know that I need to reconcile with myself more than anything else.

I forgive myself for taking almost everything for granted.

I forgive myself for letting me hurt myself; for letting criticisms take its negative effect on me.

I forgive myself for not doing my best whenever I got the chance to do so; for settling with what’s enough just for the sake of complying.

Lastly, I forgive myself for waiting for 2017 to end before I permit forgiveness; for taking a step forward only when it seems appropriate rather than necessary.

I promise to love myself more this 2018.